7 Responses to “What’s The Best Blonde Joke That Everyone Hasn’t Heard Yet?”
Kaitlyn// Aug 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
clarice_// Aug 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm
whats dumber than two blondes trying to build a house under water? two blondes trying to burn one down.
how do you make blonde brake her nose? stick a dildo under a glass table.
how do make burn her nose? play bobbing for french fries.
how do you make a blonde drown? stick a scratch and sniff in the bottom of the pool.
lilwink0// Aug 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm
there is a blonde with green highlights. she is walking down the street when a cop walks up to her and says, ” why do you have green hair”, she wipes the snot from her nose and pushes her hair back and replies, “sniff”, “what are you talking about officer, I have blonde hair”
russbill// Aug 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.
She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she’s angry!
She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!”
“Shut up,” she says, “You’re next.”
———————-
What do you call an eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said “Disneyland left.” So they turned around and went home.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh,look, Daddy….doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can’t blondes dial 911?
They can’t find the 11 on the phone.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
——–
A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,”Oh, look at the dead bird.” The blonde looked skyward and said, “Where? Where?”
————
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
“Duh! Look! They spelled Macy’s wrong!”
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
——————-
A Blonde says to a brunette, ”Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.”The brunette says, ”Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.”
——————
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ”You have acute appendicitis.”
The blond yelled at the doctor…
”I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!”
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde’s blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
“I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working.”
“Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!”
———————-
———————–
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,” They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
———————
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”
“I just want to know why you can’t ring the bell for yourself?”
—————
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
————-
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
————
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says “Well ma’am, I can’t cut your hair with those head-phones on. You’re going to have to take them off.”
She shakes her head vigorously and replies “No, if I take them off, I will die.” He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.
All he heard was “Breathe in, breathe out, breath in…
Q: What is the diffrence between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been seen.
—————–
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“That’s easy,” he replied. “You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.”
“What sort of question would you ask Doctor?”
“Well, you might ask them…”
“Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?”
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?”
“I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
—————
A blonde’s house is on fire. She calls 911 and says, “My house is on
fire.” The dispatcher says, “Well, can you tell me how we get there?”
“Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course!”
fyouimat// Aug 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Tellerof// Aug 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm
A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the Blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The Blonde nods and answers, “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” asks the doctor. “No”, replied the Blonde, “From skipping”.
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out rude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up. “I’m so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. I’ts because of you that I have to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair.” “Gosh, Miss, I’m terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn’tmean to hurt your feelings.” “Shut Up! I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to that little jerk on your lap!”
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde
says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????”
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could
see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to
the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL
OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
“If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
gmddma// Aug 29, 2009 at 2:46 pm
What does a smart blonde, Santa Clause and The Easter Bunny all have in common?
They all don’t Exist
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?” The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.” The cop says, “Let me see it, then.” So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You can go now.”
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AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
whats dumber than two blondes trying to build a house under water? two blondes trying to burn one down.
how do you make blonde brake her nose? stick a dildo under a glass table.
how do make burn her nose? play bobbing for french fries.
how do you make a blonde drown? stick a scratch and sniff in the bottom of the pool.
there is a blonde with green highlights. she is walking down the street when a cop walks up to her and says, ” why do you have green hair”, she wipes the snot from her nose and pushes her hair back and replies, “sniff”, “what are you talking about officer, I have blonde hair”
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her.
She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, now she’s angry!
She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it!!”
“Shut up,” she says, “You’re next.”
———————-
What do you call an eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said “Disneyland left.” So they turned around and went home.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh,look, Daddy….doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can’t blondes dial 911?
They can’t find the 11 on the phone.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
——–
A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,”Oh, look at the dead bird.” The blonde looked skyward and said, “Where? Where?”
————
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
“Duh! Look! They spelled Macy’s wrong!”
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
——————-
A Blonde says to a brunette, ”Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.”The brunette says, ”Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.”
——————
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ”You have acute appendicitis.”
The blond yelled at the doctor…
”I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!”
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.
So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde’s blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.
“I’m trying to pop out this dent, but it’s not really working.”
“Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!”
———————-
———————–
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,” They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
———————
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, “Press bell for night watchman.”
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
“Well,” he snarled at the blonde, “what do you want?”
“I just want to know why you can’t ring the bell for yourself?”
—————
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
————-
Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
————
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says “Well ma’am, I can’t cut your hair with those head-phones on. You’re going to have to take them off.”
She shakes her head vigorously and replies “No, if I take them off, I will die.” He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.
All he heard was “Breathe in, breathe out, breath in…
Q: What is the diffrence between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been seen.
—————–
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“That’s easy,” he replied. “You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.”
“What sort of question would you ask Doctor?”
“Well, you might ask them…”
“Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?”
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh -
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?”
“I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
—————
A blonde’s house is on fire. She calls 911 and says, “My house is on
fire.” The dispatcher says, “Well, can you tell me how we get there?”
“Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course!”
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6′2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6′5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the Blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The Blonde nods and answers, “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” asks the doctor. “No”, replied the Blonde, “From skipping”.
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out rude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up. “I’m so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. I’ts because of you that I have to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair.” “Gosh, Miss, I’m terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn’tmean to hurt your feelings.” “Shut Up! I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to that little jerk on your lap!”
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde
says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?” The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????”
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could
see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to
the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and
siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL
OVER!” “NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
“If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
What does a smart blonde, Santa Clause and The Easter Bunny all have in common?
They all don’t Exist
A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?” The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.” The cop says, “Let me see it, then.” So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You can go now.”